Scary Monster

Every once in a while I am struck by the Overwhelming Sadness. It hits at odd times, but usually when I've been under a good deal of stress and haven't had much alone time. Yesterday morning was one of those times.

I use the term "struck" because that's exactly what it feels like - a blow to my soul that takes my breath away. I try to fight it but wind up losing - i.e. curling up in the fetal position until life looks a little more doable. It's difficult to explain, even to those who love and know me best, but mostly there's a sadness of such proportions that I feel like I could never cry enough to get it out. It is completely about the loss of my parents and everything that entails - sorrow for the little girl in me, anger for the teenager who desperately needed support, disbelief that my child/future children will never know their grandparents... each time there are different reasons to be sad.

I know this sounds so self-absorbed and self-indulgent, but the Overwhelming Sadness takes a form that seems inconquerable. Yesterday, while laying in my bed letting it wash over me, my son came in the room. He wondered what was wrong. I said, "Mommy's sad". He patted my hand and said, "Scary Monster, huh?" That's about right.